When I was studying somatic psychology at Naropa, I was asked to sit with the idea that suffering is an intrinsic part of human life; something to accept, to get to know intimately, and to cultivate a new relationship to. That’s a hard pill to swallow for those of us who were exposed to unrelenting stress when we were little ones trying to establish basic safety and belonging while our blood was swirling with cortisol and adrenaline. Certain types of early stress make it extra hard to do the magic of “embracing suffering.” And even though you’ve managed to survive and perhaps begun to heal, this pandemic offers a whole new level of “opportunity” to learn it all over again. If you’re sensing a little jaw clenching, you’re spot on.
This is happening; we are in a chronic state of uncertainty and social instability. When I refer to the pandemic, I don’t mean only the Covid-19 health threat, but also the resultant great awakening to and reckoning with racial and income disparities, and the broken systems and institutions that are being forced to change tooth and nail. The word pandemic comes from Greek and means “all people.” Let’s face it, we are all really struggling right now and we are all implicated in the need for collective safety and big change.
At the same time, we’re all handling the pandemic differently, which only intensifies the confusion as we may wonder how others are dealing. The social isolation and the chronic threat of getting a disease that could have lasting or fatal consequences can create serious anxiety. Not to mention the grief and despair about the immense loss of life that will surely touch us all at some point, if it hasn’t already. Depending on many pre-existing factors including economic status, ability, race, access to family and social networks, this is either so hard or utterly debilitating. All that said, the “pre-existing” factor I want to call forward is whether you experienced childhood abuse or neglect.
Developmental trauma, sometimes referred to as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES), is defined by those who were dependent on under-resourced caregivers who either caused overwhelming stress or who were not able to alleviate an environment where prolonged and overwhelming stress was present. There is growing research about how people with ACES develop differently, including effects on brain development as it relates to “attention, decision-making, learning, and response to stress,” as well as increased vulnerability to substance misuse and autoimmune disease. People who were exposed to toxic stress as children may have difficulty forming healthy and stable adult relationships. They may also have trouble having the social networks and risk tolerance to advance in their careers and manage finances gainfully (summarized from CDC website).
The pandemic is an environment of toxic stress, and those with developmental trauma are more likely to struggle to effectively metabolize that stress because it is reproducing deep threat response patterns. If you’re experiencing feelings of despondency, despair, overwhelm, disorientation, and loneliness, not only are those normal responses to toxic stress but they may be signs that old patterning is being stirred up, making it even harder to work through.
Here is an incomplete list of possible symptoms you might be experiencing during the pandemic. As you read the list, I invite you to notice feelings as they arise in your body. This will give you clues as to what needs the most attention.
- Cycling anxiety and depression
- Bouts of mild to severe dissociation
- Trapped feelings, lack on control, a sense of powerlessness
- Loss of identity, direction, or purpose
- Persistent confusion and disorientation
- Inability to stay on top of a to-do list, forgetfulness, other executive function problems
- Struggling to find pleasure and nourishment from daily activities
- Not eating enough, eating too much, choosing comfort foods at the expense of good nutrition, obsessing over food or body composition
- Hyper-vigilance, starting arguments, making assumptions about how others feel about you
- Energy going mostly in the thinking part of the brain, over-analyzing
- Feeling uninspired, unmotivated, overly self-critical
- Perfectionism
- People-pleasing, fawning, self-abandonment or feelings of guilt and shame when you cannot meet the needs of people in your life
- Narrowed capacity for activities that used to come easier
- Attempting to control the actions of others as a way to manage your emotions
Possible Body Symptoms
- Mild panic when wearing a face mask
- Fuzzy head
- Rapid, or shallow breathing
- Digestive issues
- Absence of sensation in lower part of body
- Tight chest
- Fatigue, sluggishness
- Checked out, spacey
- Rapid thoughts, darting eyes
- Clumsiness, chronic injuries
Possible Negative Belief Patterns
- I’m being punished
- This is evidence I can’t have good things or don’t “deserve” to be happy
- Worry that loved ones will disappear if I am not able to meet their needs
- I’m unlovable when I’m a mess
- Everyone else is having fun or otherwise doing better than me
- I can’t rest or something bad will happen
- I’m lazy
I want to be clear that these are all understandable reactions to lack of structure, a dearth of social feedback, a loss of financial stability, and/or the threat of becoming ill…not to mention how it feels to live in a precarious, Earth-divorced, conflict-bloated society.
Although it is possible for anyone to experience the above symptoms, the pandemic may land differently for adults who grew up in pain and chaos. When someone’s brain has developed to track threat and safety above all else, it is common for brand new threats to be perceived through the tender mind of one’s inner child. A child who, through no fault of their own, was tasked to deal with adult-level-crisis without any of the resources, experience, skills, or brain development necessary.
Ok, so you may be thinking “So what on Earth can I do? This is so hard and I can barely get up in the morning!” To be honest, as I sit writing this, I’m wondering the same thing. How can we survive this pandemic and not be so deeply impacted by it? I don’t mean to be bleak, and it feels edgy to say this but, I actually don’t think we can. We will be changed by what we are experiencing right now, in ways we may not be able to fully grasp until later. How could we not be? We are going to have to do the best we can and accept that as good enough.
In times like these, when our deepest wounds are getting triggered, it is time to go back to basics. Rather than assume we should be able to accomplish the things we once did pre-pandemic, I want to encourage anyone struggling to pair back your grand expectations for yourself. If you need to find a new job, can you start by making your bed? If you’re needing to feel more connected to loved ones, can you start by taking ten slow breaths? If you aspire to reignite your creativity, can you start by preparing a delicious, colorful meal?
Below are some focuses intended for anyone who resonates with the above symptoms or beliefs. I am not including good habits like eating regular, nutritious meals and getting good sleep, but those are of course also important. I offer practice suggestions because I truly believe practice is pretty much everything. There are no silver bullets, just opportunities to cultivate a new relationship to what is happening. There are many, many ways to practice, so feel free to experiment!
You matter.
When you are feeling lonely and disconnected, remind yourself that you matter. Everyone in your life, whether they are with you or not has been touched by your presence; your spirit. We need you just the way you are because you are you. Humanity, the Earth, and all the beings need you. You belong here, and we need you to know you belong here so we can shape our reality with you in mind.
Practice: Self-massage. Here is a video you can follow along with. Focus on sensation and pleasure and the care with which you touch your body. As if your hands could say “you matter.” Here are some other ideas for releasing oxytocin.
A healthy relationship to control.
We can learn to overuse and underuse control, depending on what was safe and effective growing up. People who’ve experienced developmental trauma tend to know both expressions very well but struggle to find a healthy balance. With either extreme we are ultimately seeking the safety and security we crave and need. Sometimes our ACES leave us gaining control by rescuing others and sometimes they leave us lonely and we become over self-reliant.
A prominent feature of pandemic times is a pervasive lack of control of our lives. Some people are reacting to this by denying that there is risk and not wearing masks and others are reacting by collapsing into emotional paralysis. Identify where you have influence and where you do not and work to accept the difference.
Practice: Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is an exercise where you tense one group of muscles at a time as you breathe in, and then let go completely as you breathe out. As you work your way through different parts of your body you will get many chances to feel your body’s range.
This is not ok.
When we feel powerless, our body goes into preservation mode. This often means we begin to shut down all our emotions, even the pleasant ones, as well as associated sensations in our body. In an oppressive situation like this, recovering anger and frustration feelings are a way to orient us back to reality and help us feel more alive. When we can feel, we can vacation away from survival mode.
Practice: Throw a fit in water. Water is a wonderful resource in part because we can see and feel our power and impact right away. If you have access to a lake or a pool, try slapping, throwing, punching, pushing and pulling the water around you. Make a mess. Use your voice and grunt and swear. Take pauses to close your eyes, get quiet inside and breathe. Just be mindful of your body’s limitations and nobody will get hurt!
Practice: Flick imaginary water. After some gentle stretching, stand with your feet at least hips’ width apart. Pretend you’re flicking water away from your body. Splash with increasing vigor. Imagine the water is rolling off your fingertips and allow your hands to be very soft. After each flick bring your hands closer in and decide which direction you want to flick again. You can splash energy up towards the sky, down towards the Earth, out in front of you, behind you. Use your whole body for this movement, not just your arms. Feel your feet on the ground/floor and make a mess!
Bonus: imagine you are reaching people dear to you with your “water.” You can turn your body in many directions to face different people in your life. Get them wet with your intention!
Breathe for resilience.
When we become chronically dysregulated or triggered the quality of our breathing changes in some distinct ways. While we might hope these states of stress will subside on their own, they often need direct attention in order to have them shift. Even when we may not feel consciously stressed, stress can linger deep inside our bodies; passing through one system to the next. The miraculous thing about breath is that we can both rely on it without thinking and use it intentionally to support the body to come back into a regulated state. A key to building resilient states is changing survival breathing patterns by practicing “I’m safe” breathing patterns, which support stress metabolism.
Practice: Belly Breathing. Here is a guided practice audio recording I made.
Most of all, I want to encourage you to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. No one is more worthy than you of care, attention, and support. If you haven’t already begun therapy, this is an excellent time to begin.
Suffering is inherent to our existence. Somehow, we must learn to find the courage to fully live in the face of knowing that we will die someday. But what does it mean to fully live during this layered and harrowing time? In part, I believe it calls us to be radically honest with ourselves about how we are really doing, and to hold that honesty with the warmest hug of compassion; to slurp bits of wholesome sweetness wherever we can find it; and to choose to +stay+ using practices that speak to us, as if we knew in our belly, as we inhale and exhale slow, deep breaths that through it all, our life matters, always mattered, and matters more than ever now.